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Subject:I have not updated in 10 months.
Time:01:08 pm
Current Mood:optimisticoptimistic
Because that is how long I have been in France. It's interesting to me that I was able to stay here for this long; a month in, I found a research/documentary team that was gracious enough to let me lend them an extra pair of hands for a while.

I am heading to the United States tomorrow. I do not want to be in Japan with my father, nor do I want to be with mother and Antoine. Visiting is one thing; however, I don't want to be close enough that they expect me to. So, I will be working as a translator for a company in Boston, and looking for other things to do as well.

However, I do believe that love is still out of the question. I have been burned one too many times; while I have recovered from my own idiocy that last time, I won't be looking for a relationship anytime soon.
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Current Music:The Phantom of the Opera- Music of the Night
Current Location:France
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Subject:Surrounded by white horses, lacking a prince.
Time:11:33 am
Current Mood:depresseddepressed
Right now, I am in France. Specifically, Camargue. I will stay here...for as long as I can afford to.

I made the biggest mistake of my life, I believe, when I left Aruka. I still love him; I still love him more deeply than I've ever loved anyone. I should have stayed. I should not have said the things that I said. I should not have let my fear take me over that way.

I must be insane.



I would not mind staying out here, with only the horses for company, for the rest of my life. After all, what good would it do for me to be around people? I would be living a half-life, emotionless, unable to connect with anyone because of the fact that my heart was wrenched out of my chest by my own hands; what is the use of this sort of a life? I miss my father, but not enough to actually go back to Japan. What if I ran into him...he, who has probably moved past me. He, who I can't help but assume must have another lover by now.



He, who I will never feel in my arms again.
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Current Music:HYDE - Hideaway
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Subject:[Private]
Time:02:00 pm
Jake's sister, Lisa, is one of the most fun people I have ever met. I really enjoy spending time with her...it's a break from all of the other stresses that are on me.

I called Dad...he's not mad at me for missing the ceremony...he was actually more excited when I told him that I have a boyfriend. That's still...way...too weird to say. I told him all about that, and everything that had happened...he was very sympathetic.

He also invited Aruka and I to dinner next week. I'll have to see if Aruka wants to go...

I think I want to start riding competitively again. Just...to try to get a bit of my edge back.
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Current Music:Beethoven - Pathetique - Adagio cantabile from Piano Sonata No 8 in C Minor Op 13
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Subject:[Private]
Time:10:16 pm
Current Mood:stressedstressed/drunk
Aruka...is different...since he was in the hospital. Which I never talked about here, but...it was my fault. I made dinner, and he had an allergic reaction, and he was in a coma for...I don't know. It was...hellish. I was there, at the hospital, the entire time. I worried so much that I was going to lose him, just like I lost Rei...

The point is that he's been acting differently. I'm on edge because of it...because I don't know how to make him better. I probably can't make him better.

I think that there are still things that I don't know about him, as well. I...worry. I worry a lot.

It was nice that as I was leaving his apartment the other day, I ran into Jake and Lisa...Jake, Aruka's friend, and his sister, Lisa...the one I met in the club that time. Small world. It was fun to get away from the Aruka side of things...the stressful side of things...and spend some time being Devon again. Though, who is Devon, really? I am certainly not the Devon that I was even a few months ago.

That Devon cared more about his horse than anything. That Devon was laid-back. That Devon played the piano weekly at a jazz club. That Devon didn't get drunk every night that he was alone. That Devon wasn't some...prissy...fag...god, is that what I am?

Fuck. Speaking of fags, I think I missed my dad's ceremony...thing...I think it was when Aruka was in the hospital. I should call him and apologize.
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Current Music:Mylene Farmer - Sans Contrefaçon
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Subject:[Private]
Time:01:41 pm
Current Mood:anxiousanxious
Therapists are fucking weird...though the things that the guy I saw said -did- sort of help me.

...and Aruka makes me very, very happy. Happier than I've been in years...happier than I ever thought I'd be.



I can't lose him. He said he'd never leave me...but what if...




...because Rei said that she'd never leave me, too.
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Subject:[Private]
Time:09:15 pm
Current Mood:anxiousanxious
I need to call a therapist. I think I'll ask around at work...see if anyone can recommend someone good.
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Current Music:Kaizers Orchestra- Jaevel Av En Tango
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Subject:I'm sorry, what? [Private]
Time:01:11 pm
Current Mood:confusedconfused
I am dating Saiten Aruka of Aduro.


...because that's who Mariko really is.






I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me. I...I can't -tell- anyone, but at the same time, I'm so happy that I -want- to. And I shouldn't be HAPPY because I'm dating a MAN.


...


I think I should go away for a few days, and spend some time with Kaze...alone. To think about what could have possessed me to have -accepted- this...and...still told him that I -love- him...


GodDAMNit. I'm torn between my happiness...and the fact that the one making me happy is male. And I really, really don't like this feeling. I just want to let myself be happy, but...it's so...


Oh, fuck it. It's not as if I'm making any sense, so why am I even writing my thoughts down?
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Current Music:Merril Bainbridge - Mouth
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Subject:[Private]
Time:11:49 am
Current Mood:chipperchipper
Note to self:
Don't pick up calls from dad.

The idiot called me to invite me to his 'wedding ceremony' to his partner. That, I suppose, I would consider...well. No, I probably wouldn't consider it. But even more of a reason for me not to go? His partner has someone he wants to introduce me to. "He's a very nice man," said my father. Heh. I don't do men.




Unless I am severely intoxicated.



In other news, I haven't posted in this thing in, what, a month? On the 11th of October, though...Kaze almost died, because the stables had hired some idiot new groom who exercised him and then put him away without cooling him, letting him drink an entire bucket of cold water. I had the moron fired, though I wanted to beat the shit out of him.


...I should get back to work now. I'm excited, though...tonight is Mariko's birthday, and we have plans. Tonight will be fun.
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Subject:[Private]
Time:10:39 pm
Mariko and I have been on a few dates now, and...I'm finding that I'm very attracted to her. It's interesting, though, that I haven't slept with her yet. I mean, I usually only go along with the whole "No, you can't come up" routine for two dates at the most. At least she...well. Heh. We need to either stay -just- friends, or she needs to put out. This is getting ridiculous. I haven't had sex in weeks. That's just not normal.


Though perhaps the fact that I haven't had sex is pointing to the fact that I'm attracted to her for -more- than just that.


Which would be bad.


We'll see.




I met someone who works not too far from me the other night at a stripclub, but I don't think she's...or rather, I'm not her type, as she was checking out as many girls as I was, if not more. Ehheh. She certainly made my night more interesting, though. Much more interesting than it would have been without her.
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Subject:[Private]
Time:10:41 pm
I don't normally expect to have dates with random women that I met in bars go very well, but...


The one I had last weekend did.


I'm posting about it now because I tend to forget that this thing exists; it's not as if anyone reads it anyway.


Anyway. Mariko is her name, I met her a few weeks ago and never really contacted her...and then the other day I decided to give her a call. We talked for a while, and then decided to go riding, so I picked her up and took her out to the stables...she really seemed to enjoy it, and she was an quick learner.


We went out to dinner afterwards as well. It's very nice to meet someone with whom I have this much in common, especially since I met her by chance.


I mustn't get too close, though. Getting too close leads to 'love', which leads to cheating, or dying, or some other form of betrayal, and I'm sick of that.



However, we will be going out again soon. If nothing else, at least we can provide each other with some companionship.
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[icon] Devon's Musings
View:Recent Entries.
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